I started gathering these thoughts earlier this year around my birthday (bet you can guess my age) and it’s been sitting on my desktop for months. Guess today’s as good a day as any to hit send (practicing #2 and #3).
Speaking for myself…
1. The best gift we can offer is our own regulation. Self-care is part of collective care. One of my teachers, somatic therapist and activist Hala Khouri asks, “If we can’t tolerate being well ourselves, how can we support others to be well?”
Relatedly, martyrdom doesn’t serve anyone.
2. Follow what feels warm. (credit: Martha Beck). If you feel drawn to something (you might call it an intuitive ping), take the next step and then see how that feels. It doesn’t have to make sense to the mind.
3. Build the inner muscle to move towards discomfort. Avoidance makes everything worse and keeps your life small. Paradoxically, the more you try to avoid discomfort, the more uncomfortable your life becomes. What you resist, persists. As the Buddhist saying goes, pain x resistance = suffering.
4. If someone wants to offload their sense of urgency onto you like a hot potato, you don’t have to take it. (credit: Evelyn Tribole) You already know it’s important to have healthy boundaries; it’s just as important to practice good internal boundaries around your energy and attention.
5. Boys are sensitive. They feel deeply and cry easily if we haven’t socialized it out of them. Raising two boys has deepened my compassion for the men I see in my practice.
6. Different friends bring out different parts of you. I appreciate having friends, old and new, who are different ages and stages, some who are parents and some who are not. It helps keep me balanced, helps my learning, and contributes to feeling more whole.
7. Notice how different people impact your nervous system. People who leave you feeling more connected, encouraged, validated and/or grounded? Spend more time with them. Have friends you can laugh with and feel like yourself around? You won the lottery. Stop what you’re doing and text them right now.
8. Some friendships are developmental friendships. (credit: Esther Perel) They’re there for a certain chapter of our lives. For example, we don’t keep in touch with any of our friends from our PEPS group currently but I still look back with gratitude for the time we spent together during that tender postpartum time.
9. Right-size the relationship. Writer Catherine Newman shares in this delightful interview: “My brilliant friend Lydia always says, if you’re struggling in a relationship, “Orient appropriately.” It means: Allow yourself to see, in the most clear-eyed way, who this person is and what they have to offer, and then nurture the boundaries and connections that match the situation as it is, not as you wish you were or as it would be if it were written in calligraphy on a sash that a Disney bluebird was draping around your magic shoulders. You can keep having imperfect people (aka everyone) in your life, but you’ll stop being hurt and disappointed over and over again.”
10. Be really honest about your intention. This might look like asking myself questions like: Why do I want to have that conversation or go out of my way for something? Is this coming from a genuine place of generosity or is this more about trying to manage how I’m perceived? Is this truly about showing up for what my child needs in this moment or am I more concerned about looking like a good parent?
In yoga, the sanskrit word Sankalpa translates to heartfelt intention. I’m working on dropping my attention from the mind to the heart and to practice being really honest about my why and whether or not taking a particular action feels aligned.
11. Don’t create more work for the host. If you’re bringing flowers to the dinner party, have them already in a container so the host can simply set them aside without having her flow interrupted to hunt down a vase. If you’re asked to bring dessert, don’t assume fridge or freezer space – check with the host first.
12. Always acknowledge an invitation. Whenever I send out an invitation to a gathering, there’s often a younger, tender part of me that’s like, Can you make it? Do I matter to you? I notice and so appreciate the friends who show up with enthusiasm and also do my best to show up for their birthdays and celebrations. If you can’t make it, be sure to thank the person for the invitation. (I’m not including massive impersonal invitations that go out to everyone here.)
13. The muse shows up when you do. Don’t wait to feel like it. Maya Angelou says, “What I try to do is write. I may write for two weeks ‘the cat sat on the mat, that is that, not a rat,’…. And it might be just the most boring and awful stuff. But I try. When I’m writing, I write. And then it’s as if the muse is convinced that I’m serious and says, ‘Okay. Okay. I’ll come.”
14. Keep practicing creativity to keep the channel open and feel more alive. I love this quote from Martha Graham:
“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessesd unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”
15. “Make before you manage.” (credit: Tim Ferris) It reminds me of Stephen Covey’s advice in the classic 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to spend more time in the “important, not urgent” quadrant. Whenever possible, even if it’s just 5-10 minutes, I try to start with something that engages my creativity like writing or riffing on a theme or sequence for a yoga class before opening my email inbox.
16. Consider saying “thank you” instead of auto-apologizing. Instead of “sorry for my delayed response” or “I’m sorry for venting,” consider “thank you for your patience” or “thank you for listening.”
Of course, sometimes, it really is important to apologize…
17. Repair is one of the most important things you can do in relationship. There will be unintentional hurt feelings and misunderstandings in all important, close relationships. The capacity to repair after a rupture strengthens the relationship. If one person lacks the capacity or willingness to repair after a rupture, the connection will lack trust and depth.
18. To be a better cook, taste your food. (credit: Samin Nosrat) Season and taste as you cook. Does it need more salt? Acid? Heat? Taste again. Also: not everything is going to turn out, which is a part of learning so embrace a growth mindset.
19. I’m learning to eat more beans/legumes. I didn’t grow up eating a lot of beans (not a ton in Vietnamese cuisine) but they’re a great source of protein, fiber (including soluble fiber), and polyphenols. Edamame counts!
20. “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” If you’re a bigger than expected reaction for the current situation, then that’s worth getting curious about. I recommend therapist Vienna Pharoan’s free origin wound quiz (~7-min), which I took after listening to this thoughtful podcast interview. Take gentle care of your younger self.
21. We’re often afraid to move towards what’s good. What feels familiar feels safe. It takes work and practice (sometimes therapy) to help yourself shift from a survival state towards more well-being, one tolerable step at a time. Hala Khouri teaches that healing is essentially moving from your survival self to your authentic self.
22. Courage before confidence. (credit: James Clear) Feeling confident is nice but it’s fleeting and overrated. The courage to show up to do the thing is what’s within your control.
23. Everything is a paradox. As humans, we need both freedom and containment; autonomy and adventure along with safety and predictability. Psychotherapist Esther Perel says not everything is a problem to solve; sometimes it’s a paradox to manage.
24. There’s a vulnerability paradox. To quote the vulnerability queen Brene Brown: “Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, and the first thing I look for in you.” I’m much more drawn to people who are more open and share their mess so I’m working on doing the same, which often looks like saying just one more line to reveal something about what I’m thinking or feeling.
25. Take regular “artist’s dates” (credit: Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way). Cameron considers an artist’s date as anything you do by yourself just for fun or enjoyment to fill your creative cup. For me, this might look like browsing Book Larder (cookbook store), visiting a farmer’s market, going to dance church or watching a movie by myself – anything counts as long as it sounds enjoyable to you. It’s nice to know you can enjoy your own company.
26. Celebrate your friends and family’s wins. In Buddhism, it’s known as sympathetic joy or mudita and a good practice to easily double your joy. It also helps deepen your relationships.
27. We teach what we most need to learn. The advice you most often give is the same advice you need to take. For me, it’s many things on this list, especially relating to moving towards discomfort, committing (and recommitting) to creative expression and the reminder to truly rest.
28. Feel supported. One of my automatic stress responses is to over-function, which gets me moving faster but doesn’t actually make me more productive or effective. I’m learning to practice feeling supported, whether it’s accepting help or literally feeling myself supported by the solid surface beneath me.
29. Find a new buzz. I’ve unlearned the habit of turning to wine as a release valve from the day. What’s helped with that (besides the Sunnyside app) is finding a new “buzz” that excites me. In my case, I’ve been loving early quiet mornings and starting the day with journaling, a quiet cup of coffee and movement.
30. Keep a notepad and pen by your bed. When those ideas, worries or to-do’s pop up in your mind as you’re trying to transition to sleep, you can jot them down for your morning self tomorrow and allow your brain to let go.
31. Your brain is built for survival, not contentment. The brain is wired towards a negativity bias because it helped ensure our ancestors’ survival. Neuropsychologist Rick Hanson, PhD likes to say, “Your brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones.” Practice taking in the good little and often by noticing and appreciating small ordinary moments.
Relatedly, notice and celebrate your wins, no matter how small. This helps to keep you motivated and encouraged.
32. We need a mix of both structure and flexibility. (credit: Dan Siegel, MD) Too much structure, not enough flexibility = rigidity. Too much flexibility, not enough structure = chaos. This applies to food, parenting and life.
33. Enjoyment and pleasure make it sustainable. You want to cook more, eat more fruits and vegetables, move more or go to bed earlier? What would make these things more enjoyable for you? Sure, there might be some discomfort to get started but if you’re constantly white knuckling something, it’s not going to last.
34. Self-compassion is a more effective teacher and motivator to support your growth. (credit: Kristin Neff, PhD) You’re motivating yourself with encouragement because you want the best for yourself. It feels safer to take risks and make mistakes when you know you have an unconditional friend inside. In contrast, self-criticism may mean well but tends to undermine your confidence and increase anxiety and self-doubt.
35. Be mindful of your body budget. Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett, PhD says your brain’s main job is to manage your internal resources and energy to maintain what’s called allostasis. Just like a bank account, you can make deposits and withdrawals.”
I’ve written about the body budget here and here and talk to my clients frequently about it.
36. Embarrassingly tiny goals are the magic key out of inertia and towards momentum. Getting started is the hardest part. Perfectionism often leads to procrastination and overwhelm.
37. Tolerate uncertainty. Research shows a link between generalized anxiety and an intolerance to uncertainty. There’s also a saying in Zen that any true journey is a journey into the unknown. In other words, if you’re really learning and growing, you’re moving towards the unknown. (credit: Zen master Henry Shukman – shoutout to his wonderful meditation app The Way)
38. Practice deep rest regularly. I’m a fan of both practicing and teaching yoga nidra, a form of Non Sleep Deep Rest (NSDR). Our nervous systems are not meant to be mobilized for action all the time. Truly deep rest (not scrolling on your phone) is restorative and healing for both body and mind. You know how your phone and laptop seem to work better when you turn it off for a bit? Same with yourself.
Side note: if you’re in the Seattle area, I teach yoga nidra at Aditi on the second Sunday of the month (Sunday Reset) and at the Olympic Athletic Club on Fridays (membership required).
39. Parenting mind-hack: take a grandparent pill. I heard this from a speaker at ParentMap several years ago who said he wished he could grant all parents a “grandparent pill” where you’re just in awe of the fact that this kid exists.
40. Don’t make an unwanted habit your identity. Instead of telling yourself, “I’m just an anxious person,” it’s more helpful to say, “I’m feeling anxiety” or even “Anxiety is here” to quote the meditation teacher Joseph Goldstein. In psychology, this is known “cognitive defusion” where you practice not fusing (over-identifying) with your thoughts to allow yourself room to learn and grow. You’re always in process, not a fixed identity.
41. Your happiness is not your children’s burden to bear. That is too much pressure. This Carl Jung quote haunts me: “The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents.” It’s important to not just be on the sidelines of their lives. Nourish your friendships, your own interests and joys. In our family, everyone deserves to be whole.
42. Plan the next day the night before. It can be a loose or flexible structure but I almost always have a more satisfying day if I’ve thought through my priorities. This also helps me make more peace with my limits because there will always be things left undone.
43. Imposter syndrome is a good sign. It means I’m learning, trying something different, finding a new growth edge and choosing courage over comfort. Writer and coach Tara Mohr says the inner critic’s main job is to maintain the status quo so if I’m trying something different, it’s going to get louder. I want to be someone who chooses courage over comfort so I try to see imposter syndrome as a healthy discomfort to acknowledge and move through.
44. Know when you do your best thinking and schedule around that. I write and create best in the morning so I try to protect my mornings and schedule the errands and activities that require less brain power for later in the day. (credit: Dan Pink)
45. Try not to give unsolicited advice. I’m unlearning the annoying habit of giving unsolicited advice. Most people just want to be heard and validated when they’re going through something hard. Auto-advice giving is a sign of your discomfort with someone else’s discomfort. It’s easy to project your own experience onto someone else. If I have ideas and resources, I first try to ask if that would be helpful, but mostly it’s enough to witness and be with.
46. Your mind is not the wisest part of you. As the proverb goes, the mind is an excellent servant but a terrible master. If you really want to know, ask your heart.
47. True confidence comes from being okay with yourself just as you are. As Esther Perel (again) likes to say, “Confidence is the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high self-regard.” Also, the feeling of confidence is fleeting and tends to come after taking the risk and showing up.
I took a small risk hitting send on this one – thank you for reading this far! I’m so curious: do any of these resonate with you? What’s something that would would be on your list? I’d love to hear.
I’m grateful to be doing work that is so rewarding, supporting people to have a better relationship with their food, body and mind.
My approach is strengths-based, trauma-informed, weight-inclusive (Health At Every Size based) and grounded in cultural humility.
Both my nutrition therapy and body-based practices are influenced by a wide range of teachings and modalities that allow my approach to be both eclectic and more effective than simply working with one lens or modality.
By working together, I hope you’ll gain insight, compassion and tools to feel more resourced and confident about how you feed and care for yourself – well after our time together ends.
